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In exchange for a relationship (80% of Seeking Arrangement dates involve sex, but the founder Brandon Wade denies it’s a form of prostitution), cash-strapped sugar babies are lavished with gifts and cash allowances which average at £5,000 a month. If you have trouble with giving out satisfying oral sex, you should probably lick your phone instead.

Lickmyapp requires no download and encourages users to improve their oral skills with a choice of three different games, you can flick a light switch on and off, turn a crank or go freestyle – where you bounce a beach ball. You also have to remember to wrap your phone for protection first because it’s supposedly crawling with bacteria, yuck.

Do you spend most of your free time staring daggers at the “in a relationship” status on your one-true-love’s Facebook?

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One thing I will be doing from time to time this week is pulling down random books from my shelves and writing about them, under the belief that the internet is better when not all of it comes from the internet. They say that Simonides had two boxes, one for favors, the other for fees.

So when someone came to him asking for a favor he had the boxes displayed and opened: the one was found to be empty of graces, the other full of money.

They have to have Platewave too, but that’s hardly the only boundary to finding love with this app.

The main one being that you’re probably a fucking eagle-eyed psychopath to use it in the first place.

You want to use Tinder, but you’re too busy, and you’re loaded (it is the perfect time of year for it with revision and student loans…). Aimed at rich single men with little free time to spare, Personal Dating Assistants provides an online profile management and ghostwriting service for dating profiles.

A bit like how Jordan writes all her books, but for sex.

And that’s the way Simonides got rid of a person requesting a gift.

Simonides’s world was one where old relationships of gift-exchange and patronage were breaking down in favor of what for Greeks was a fairly new invention, coinage.

Breakupnotifier does exactly what it says on the tin.

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