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The core of it is, you can be a good person, doing things that seem reasonable from your perspective, and still be part of a problem.It really does take some education, some communication, and a lot of forethought to get this one right.
I’m going to start with a very simple one, the idea of discretion.
Our Unicorn Hunters are good, thoughtful, compassionate people.
A person has a right to state a boundary about how they will be treated, meaning, this is something that you may or may not do to me, on me, near me, around me, or even aimed in my general direction. How would you feel if it wasn’t even an option to be seen, heard, validated as being a part of your life? You care about U’s feelings, you want her to feel included.
Many people who are in this situation treat the issue of how open to be as a boundary issue, since they see clear consequences for themselves if a new partner let’s something slip, for instance, by posting something on Facebook. The truth remains, you’re not ready to be out at work.
They have been together for over a year and are open-minded, tolerant, ethical, progressive people.
Their relationship has some very good points, they genuinely care for each other, are committed, and tend to be open to new experiences.The problem with this is even though there are consequences, and they are often big, this is not setting a boundary. Upon further reflection, you consider this option, “Hey, I’ll just make an excuse. Are you going to get U a hotel room for the duration of your family’s stay? Presumably U spends time in your home and will feel isolated for the duration of the visit. In all of these cases you are faced with the same situation, U is a “dirty secret”, and while NONE of you intended to set things up to make them feel that way, each of you WILL feel the pressure that is generated by that truth.This is a request for another person to limit their own behavior (in sometimes unexpected and dramatic ways) that is a much bigger deal than most new-to-Poly people can even grasp. P hates these things anyway, I’ll bring U and we’ll make up a cover story that we can use if anyone asks.” This is not going to work well. Aside from the fact that you can’t make U leave (tenancy rights), you are basically kicking U out of her own home for a week. Put on some sort of Kabuki-style production as described above in the work-related holiday party. You need to either be completely out (challenging under the best of circumstances), willing to risk dramatic disclosures in meaningful situations, or U will be excluded. For starters, some people are actually okay with this.After much foot-dragging and many late night talks, the decision was made to go for it.But before they actually did anything precipitous, like posting in a Poly forum, they discussed these issues: Some have other specific issues that are important to them, but this list is what I’m going to focus on, and trust me, it is plenty.However, as you might guess, I’m going to point out that there are some problems.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating